Professional job applications

3 Hastings St
Castle Donington
Derby
DE74 2LP

29th May 2015

Dear sirs,

I enclose my erstwhile application for President of the University of Ottawa and expect you to consider it foremostly.

Say hello to Ottawa University’s brand new Party Principal. I meet all the requirements in your job specification including unquestionable integrity. Of course there have been a few occasions on which my integrity was questioned, but as a philosophy graduate I ask you, what is the nature of inquiry? These things are very hard to pin down and hence I believe my integrity remains untainted.

You might be asking yourself however, what can a 23 year old unemployed man from Slough bring to this job? Allow me to enumerate the many ways I can assist.

One thing though; I don’t know if I’d want to be president and vice chancellor. To be honest that sounds like a bit too much work. If you have two jobs that need doing then you really ought to get two people involved. Speaking of which, my mate Neil is totally up for it. To be honest he’s not really president material like I am, but I think he could have a good crack at it. I know him from Sunday football down at Cromwell park and he’s only 17 but I’m prepared to make a special presidential order to get him in.

So getting onto this ‘vision’ thing. A task I’m uniquely prepared to approach since I once went on a vision quest in South America led by this old dude who didn’t talk much, but man was he wise. Mostly what I saw in the desert was just a bunch of weird shapes (my other career options include shape designer) but there was one bit right near the end where I could see my brain unfold like a big map on the sand with all these lines going places. I think that to guide others you must truly know yourself first.

I do like the sound of Destination 2020. It sounds really cool and futuristic. It’s probably what back to the future would have been called if it had been made today rather than in 1985. I’m not all that sure about ‘improving your image’ though. To be honest that sounds a bit superficial to me. I really think you ought to just try and accept yourself for who you are and not who people want you to be. I don’t think you should even be embarassed about your size. I’ve seen universities that are way bigger.

Gaining a strong position though, now that’s something I can definitely help with. One time Neil’s dad came round and he said the place was a total tip and we couldn’t keep borrowing his 32 inch flat screen TV. I said ‘no way man’ so I said we should arm wrestle for it. He nearly got me but he got distracted when Countdown came on and I smashed him. Granted he’s 68 and has emphysema but I think he makes up for it with all the experience he has so it was pretty much even.

I’d like to propose that I have students settle conflicts the same way in my office. I think it would let a lot of the tension out of the campus. You guys may not share a common language, but we can all briefly share a common arm. Speaking of which, although I’m incapable of either speaking or reading French (I did German for modern languages) I’m going to try and start learning from day one and I really think this is going to make me a super relatable college president, since I’ll be a student too.

Anyway - thinking about bigger things, like how my office would be. Though I’ve never left the country I’ve watched a lot of American college movies and I think a frat-style house featuring a bunch of guys just hanging out would suit me much better than a stuffy old office. I should add that the ‘bros before hoes’ policy I implemented within my friendship group has led to a no-more-tears outcome and I intend to scale up this initiative to the entire student body. I’d have a kind of open door policy where students could wander in and sink a tinnie with the prez, no holds barred. I’d be their confidant and pal, ready to hear them out when they’ve got girl troubles and lay out a few of the life lessons I’ve accumulated in my 23 years.

So that’s it really. This five year term thing sounds good. Just to check, I can’t get fired before then right? Because I’ve got some pretty sweet pranks lined up and they kind of work as a series. I’m all good for visa stuff, I haven’t committed any moral impropriety or anything like that. Not so sure about Neil though, it’s just rumours but I heard something about him, a toilet roll tube and a can of Mr Muscle oven cleaner. I guess I’d have to carry him on the strength of my own application.

Peace out,

Tom Chambers

3 Hastings Street
Castle Donington
Derby
DE74 2LP

30th May 2015

“The oceans a big place man.” That’s what my grandfather said just before he died. He’d never left Berkshire. It was in that moment that I realised I both needed and wanted to become Director of the Oceans. It’s to my great fortune that I found myself growing the Economist magazine at the same time as you placed your advert for such a position.

While I’m mostly unaware of what the position involves I have long held a grand plan (one might call it oceanic in scale!) for the world’s seas. I’ve left it mostly untouched since I first frantically scribbled it in a childhood notebook in order to preserve the purity of the idea.

You’ll get more out of the attached diagrams in the appendix but the basic idea is to be a bit more efficient in storing the water by storing it in several layered boxes to be located in the Sahara. The desert is dry I know, but once there’s all this water there I think it’ll be pretty saturated and there isn’t a whole lot to do with it at the moment.

I know you’re already wondering about the seven layer structure. So allow me to explain that in more detail. I chose seven because of the seven circles of hell in Dante’s inferno. As he does I have a place for each group of large body of water users. I also considered 11 after the movie Ocean’s Eleven but I think with all the sequels it's been rather watered down (lol!).

So my group ideas are: water-skiers, fishermen and fisherwomen, divers, fish and plankton, whales, oil tankers and then one overflow tank for contingency purposes because the plan can’t foresee everything. Now I can see how there’s some co-dependencies here and that someone that hasn’t had the benefit of my thought processes might go, “woah, I reckon fish and fishermen might need to hang out with each other from time to time.” Well come on, give me some credit.

The real innovation is the set of interconnecting flushing and pumping pipes that connect the layers. Each layer is suspended with a narrow air gap from the one above it with the very top layer being hung the apex of a four point frame. A user needing to travel will simply direct themselves to the nearest pipe to fire themselves up or down to another layer. The pipes will need to be entirely sealed and water filled. This will necessitate the use of submarines rather than boats which, while decimating the boat making industry will be a huge inverse boon to the submarine making industry. So I see there as being little difference between the modes.

Now, I know that water is not just for fun. While we can rehome the fishermen and oil-tanker-men and there can be a sort of floating hotel for the fun seekers water has a tendency to spread itself around the earth. I recognise that rain is probably useful and we should take an iterative rather than using a waterfall business plan (lol!). So after a bit of rain has collected in various pools around the world the top level ocean will release into the second and so on. Because of the weight of the water cascading down from level to level, this will cause the earth to ‘bounce’ and lift the collected water into orbit where it will be collected by a kind of ‘space funnel’ and directed back into the top container.

So that’s the crux of my vision for the world’s oceans. I can’t imagine your other applicants will have come up with anything as bold as this, so I recognise you might need a bit of time to coax their own plans out of them so you have some points of reference when you come to interview me. I won’t waste my time describing my numerous qualifications as I’m sure the idea holds enough water (lol) by itself. So if you’d like to offer me the position of Oceans Manager just send me a ‘message in a bottle’. Or you may choose to write a letter, which I understand to be a more reliable form of communication for now.

yours,

Tom Chambers Esq.